Have you ever noticed how the British news services seem to get the
drop on everyone else?
I mean, I read that the U.S. told it's citizens in Arab nations to
evacuate.
I got the news for Reuters!! I saw another similar news spot two weeks
later. Ridiculous isn't it?
These British reporters are everywhere! If a snail farts in
Madagascar...

In the quiet town of Helville on the island of
Nosy Be today a small snail slowly pulled
itself from the ocean early this morning and let loose a silent,
but deadly one.
The blast was so powerful residents claim it woke them from their slumber
.
Some feared they were under attack, others worried that a freak winter
storm had
descended upon the village threatening their crops. Amul Raddeef, a
local fisherman
claims to have seen the snail.

I sough da snail come out a de watta
an den it turned and let loose wid his intestinal gases.
Da sand on de beach blew back four or five feete and the sound was like
a large thunderclap. BOOM!
It scared me and I came in from mah boat to see da damage to da
village.

Four trees and a small shack used for storing
fishing nets were blown over,
and a goat succumbed to fumes, but no one was, in fact, hurt in the
blast, though some villagers claim
to have migraine headaches and nausea from the stench.
Local authorities captured the fleeing snail shortly after the attack
and are holding him for questioning.
So far, no word of whether the snail was involved, as is alleged, with
the little known terrorist group
Molluskaida a small but vicious group of gastropodians devoted to
thwarting all human efforts to reap
harvest from the ocean. Meanwhile, the village of Helville on the
island of Nosy Be settles
down for the night, hoping the authorities can find the reason for this
tragedy.

Nigel HornBottom reporting from Madagascar.


See what I mean?

Twas the Night before Baldness

'Twas the night before baldness when, frozen with shock,
Andy gazed in the mirror at his last curly lock.
He reminisced sadly of his hair, then and now.
How it retreated so quickly from his oft furrowed brow.
Razor in one hand, a towel in his lap,
he'd just settled down to shave the hair off his cap.
When from the living room there arose such a clatter,
he sprang from his stool to see what was the matter.
He jumped the couch in a single great bound,
settled into his seat and turned up the sound.
The picture on the T.V. grew fuzzy and then,
gave way to a commercial for Hair Club for Men
With an announcer so slick, his hair full and curling,
he knew in a moment it must be Sy Sperling
More rapid than eagles, his solutions they came,
and Sy whistled and he shouted and he called them by name:
"There's grafting and weaving, there's even a pill,
there's creams and rogaine and minoxadil!"
There will be hair from your forehead to the top of your skull!
Come, buy them all, buy them all, buy them all now!
As a dry leaf before a hurricane flies,
so flew the tears from Andy's eyes
And upon his forehead, Andy knew it was there,
came the sad soft whimpering of his last curly hair
As he put a hand to his head, upon hearing the sound,
his last lonely hair fell to the ground.
It landed on the floor next to his toe,
an ominous harbinger of sadness and woe.
Head in his hands, a scowl on his face
he sat there a moment in total disgrace
At length, all his knuckles grew white, every one,
and the light on his forehead it shone like the sun
Slowly he rose and in a startling voice,
cried out to the world: "You give me no CHOICE!"
"I must go to lengths few would ever dare,
I must reclaim my full head of hair!"
Andy, then he spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
he picked up his telephone and turned with a jerk
He dialed all the numbers, all that was there
he dialed 1-800-GET-HAIR.
He ordered all the products that Sy Sperling said,
would put back the hair on top of his head.
He slammed down the phone and reached for a beer.
by then he knew he had nothing to fear
As he drank down the brew, tossed it down his gullet,
for a second, in a stupor, he considered a mullet
But I heard him say clearly as he sat down with a sigh
"I'll soon have a full head of hair...like Magnum P.I."

Teutonic Cruises

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